Liberal Bias: not just the media any more

So I understand that conservatives are now going to edit all the "liberal bias" out of the Bible.  Best of luck doing that with the New Testament "love thy neighbor" stuff.  I'm guessing that the only part of the New Testament that they'll keep is Jesus kicking the moneychangers out of the temple, but they'll decide that moneychangers were just following free market principles so they'll have to substitute... wait for it... liberals.  Yeah, I'll bet that we'll end up hearing about how Jesus kicked the liberals and homosexuals out of the temple.  And that Matthew wrapped one of his nets around one of them and did a choke slam or something.

I thought that it'd make an interesting exercise to re-imagine the 10 Commandments of the Conservative Bible.  So here goes; I've tried to capture conservative thought with all of the verses so you know where the new ones come from.

I am the Lord your God, who brought you out of the land of Egypt, out of the house of slavery;

Well, this just won't do.  Slavery?  If you mention slavery, then some liberal might bring up racism, and we'd rather just ignore that.  So... hm....

I.  Do not have any other gods before me.

This is OK, but it just feels like there's something missing.  Oh yes: we've got to make sure that people know who the best worshipers are!!  

II.  You shall not make for yourself an idol, whether in the form of anything that is in heaven above, or that is on the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth.  You shall not bow down to them or worship them; for I the Lord your God am a jealous God, punishing children for the iniquity of parents, to the third and the fourth generation of those who reject me, but showing steadfast love to the thousandth generation of those who love me and keep my commandments.

Well... isn't there just one exception that we all know about?  Yeah, this needs editing.

III.  You shall not make wrongful use of the name of the Lord your God, for the Lord will not acquit anyone who misuses his name.

Good commandment, but it needs some clarification.

IV.  Remember the Sabbath day and keep it holy.  For six days you shall labour and do all your work.  But the seventh day is a Sabbath to the Lord your God; you shall not do any work—you, your son or your daughter, your male or female slave, your livestock, or the alien resident in your towns.  For in six days the Lord made heaven and earth, the sea, and all that is in them, but rested the seventh day; therefore the Lord blessed the Sabbath day and consecrated it.

Ouch.  Isn't that going to cut into the profit margin?  Perhaps this one can use some tweaking, too.

V.  Honor your father and your mother, so that your days may be long in the land that the Lord your God is giving you.

Well, that all depends on how you define "honor," doesn't it?

VI.  You shall not murder.

Now hold on a minute.  Some folks just need killing. 

VII.  You shall not commit adultery.

Yeah, take that, Bill Clinton!  What about Republican politicians?  Um....

VIII.  You shall not steal.

That all depends on your definition of stealing.

IX.  You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor.

No exceptions?  We're going to have to take care of that one.

X.  You shall not covet your neighbor’s house; you shall not covet your neighbor’s wife, or male or female slave, or ox, or donkey, or anything that belongs to your neighbor.

Now this is just flat out liberal.  Everyone knows that you don't have any kind of drive in life unless you want something you don't have!


So now you've seen the objections, and it's time to unveil... the new... the improved...

Conservative Ten Commandments!! 

I am the Lord your God, who kicked Pharaoh's ass, because he was a state sponsor of terrorism.

I.  Do not have any other gods before me, and have no worshipers before My Chosen, the conservatives, who will explain to you exactly Who I Am.

II.  You shall not make for yourself an idol, unless that idol is in the shape of Ronald Reagan.  You may worship His image, for Reagan was one of My aspects.  You shall not vote Democratic; for I the Lord your Reagan am a jealous God, punishing children for the iniquity of parents, to the third and the fourth generation of those who reject the GOP, but showing steadfast love to the thousandth generation of those who love me and listen to Glenn Beck.

III.  You shall not make wrongful use of the name of the Lord your God, for the Lord will not acquit anyone who misuses his name.  Using My Name to sell stuff is not wrongful use, for making money is holy.

IV.  Remember the Sabbath day and keep it holy.  For six days you shall have the little people labor and do all your work.  But the seventh day is a Sabbath to the Lord your God; you shall not do any work—you, your son or your daughter.  For in six days the Lord made heaven and earth, the sea, and all that is in them, but rested the seventh day; therefore the Lord blessed the Sabbath day and consecrated it.  But you may make your male or female wage slaves, your livestock, or especially the alien residents in your towns work, because they don't really count.

V.  Honor your father and your mother, so that your days may be long in the land that the Lord your God is giving you.  And believe Me, your mother and father would consider it dishonorable and insulting to provide them a social safety net.

VI.  You shall not murder, unless it's for oil or profit.

VII.  You shall not commit adultery.  But if you are Republican, you may abase yourself and be forgiven repeatedly and considered one of Mine.

VIII.  You shall not steal, unless you can find a way to deregulate the market.  Then it's not really stealing.

IX.  You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor, unless you are making the case for war or your political position.

X.  You shall covet your neighbor’s house; you shall covet your neighbor’s wife, or male or female slave, or ox, or donkey, or anything that belongs to your neighbor, if it's nicer than yours.  For coveting is the basis for all hard work and making lots of money, which honors Me.

I'll bet that Charlton Heston, were he still alive, would give his left one to star in that movie.