You can read about it here. Don't worry - I haven't included a direct link. I'm not going to give those morons any hits. Anyhow, it's the standard variety militia thing where some dastardly Democrat completely takes over the government during his second term and Patriotic Murrakins® fight back with the power of their guns! It's pretty horrible; there are apparently all these fake news articles with heroic quotes from the conservative "heroes." Of course, earlier in the scenario, the "elite" media have colluded with President Obama to take over the country and FoxNews has been shut down. Apparently, somehow, FoxNews has managed to re-establish itself. Oh yeah, and Glenn Beck has been killed off in an "aspirin overdose" faux suicide. I have to admit enjoying that part, but if we liberals are going to engineer offing Beck, I'd vote for a faked autoerotic asphyxiation.
So anyway, you can imagine what this is like. It's like Red Dawn, but without the incredible dialogue or realistic scenarios. They've got Sarah Palin as a resistance fighter. Oh, please. But I do have to give them credit for the quote: "When asked for a comment by a local reporter she said 'The time for talk is well past us. Don't ask me anything about any elections until we free this country completely from Obama, Hamas, and Obama's police force. We will put a complete end to Marxism once and for all right here in Virgina, God help us!'" Did you notice that? That's right, they typed "Virgina." That kind of slip-up does at least lend a little realism to the Palin interview. But what they missed were the other questions before the poor reporter got shot:
Reporter: "So what guns are you using to take down Obama?"
Palin: "Um... all of them."
Reporter: "All of them?"
Militia: "Dayum media!" *BANG*
They also missed the moment when Obama's stormtroopers burst into Rush Limbaugh's broadcast:
Rush: "and Americans, you know, real Americans, we're not going to take this lying down! We're going to fight and struggle and..."
(background noises of soldiers breaking in)
Rush: "oh no! Soldiers! And they've got guns! Pointed at me oh my god oh my god oh my god [pitch of his voice goes higher on every syllable] squeeeeaaaallll"
Soldier 1: "Hey, he fainted. Who's gonna pick him up?"
Soldier 2: "What's that smell?!?"
Both: "DAMN!"
Then there's the "Joe Wilson and the New Congress Militia" headline. Like Joe Wilson would ever put his ass on the line. Ever. You know what would happen there?
Militia 1: "Congressman Wilson, you're an inspiration and we want you to lead our militia."
Wilson: "Me too. And that's why I had us meet at this airport."
Militia 2: "Hey, is that Gov. Sanford waving at you from the plane?"
Wilson: "Yeah. Listen, guys, I'll be back in 5. I gotta talk to him for a second."
Militia 1: "I'm so excited to have him with us."
Militia 2: "Me too. He's a real Murrikan hee-ro."
Wilson (from the plane door): "I'm going to Argentina with Sanford! See ya later, you crazy bitches!!"
Militia 1: "Where's that plane going?"
Militia 2: "I don't know, but he'll be back in 5 minutes, right?"
Militia... bringing the crazy, stupid, and armed together every day.
Monday, October 19, 2009
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
Liberal Bias: not just the media any more
So I understand that conservatives are now going to edit all the "liberal bias" out of the Bible. Best of luck doing that with the New Testament "love thy neighbor" stuff. I'm guessing that the only part of the New Testament that they'll keep is Jesus kicking the moneychangers out of the temple, but they'll decide that moneychangers were just following free market principles so they'll have to substitute... wait for it... liberals. Yeah, I'll bet that we'll end up hearing about how Jesus kicked the liberals and homosexuals out of the temple. And that Matthew wrapped one of his nets around one of them and did a choke slam or something.
I thought that it'd make an interesting exercise to re-imagine the 10 Commandments of the Conservative Bible. So here goes; I've tried to capture conservative thought with all of the verses so you know where the new ones come from.
I am the Lord your God, who brought you out of the land of Egypt, out of the house of slavery;
Well, this just won't do. Slavery? If you mention slavery, then some liberal might bring up racism, and we'd rather just ignore that. So... hm....
I. Do not have any other gods before me.
This is OK, but it just feels like there's something missing. Oh yes: we've got to make sure that people know who the best worshipers are!!
II. You shall not make for yourself an idol, whether in the form of anything that is in heaven above, or that is on the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth. You shall not bow down to them or worship them; for I the Lord your God am a jealous God, punishing children for the iniquity of parents, to the third and the fourth generation of those who reject me, but showing steadfast love to the thousandth generation of those who love me and keep my commandments.
Well... isn't there just one exception that we all know about? Yeah, this needs editing.
III. You shall not make wrongful use of the name of the Lord your God, for the Lord will not acquit anyone who misuses his name.
Good commandment, but it needs some clarification.
IV. Remember the Sabbath day and keep it holy. For six days you shall labour and do all your work. But the seventh day is a Sabbath to the Lord your God; you shall not do any work—you, your son or your daughter, your male or female slave, your livestock, or the alien resident in your towns. For in six days the Lord made heaven and earth, the sea, and all that is in them, but rested the seventh day; therefore the Lord blessed the Sabbath day and consecrated it.
Ouch. Isn't that going to cut into the profit margin? Perhaps this one can use some tweaking, too.
V. Honor your father and your mother, so that your days may be long in the land that the Lord your God is giving you.
Well, that all depends on how you define "honor," doesn't it?
VI. You shall not murder.
Now hold on a minute. Some folks just need killing.
VII. You shall not commit adultery.
Yeah, take that, Bill Clinton! What about Republican politicians? Um....
VIII. You shall not steal.
That all depends on your definition of stealing.
IX. You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor.
No exceptions? We're going to have to take care of that one.
X. You shall not covet your neighbor’s house; you shall not covet your neighbor’s wife, or male or female slave, or ox, or donkey, or anything that belongs to your neighbor.
Now this is just flat out liberal. Everyone knows that you don't have any kind of drive in life unless you want something you don't have!
So now you've seen the objections, and it's time to unveil... the new... the improved...
Conservative Ten Commandments!!
I thought that it'd make an interesting exercise to re-imagine the 10 Commandments of the Conservative Bible. So here goes; I've tried to capture conservative thought with all of the verses so you know where the new ones come from.
I am the Lord your God, who brought you out of the land of Egypt, out of the house of slavery;
Well, this just won't do. Slavery? If you mention slavery, then some liberal might bring up racism, and we'd rather just ignore that. So... hm....
I. Do not have any other gods before me.
This is OK, but it just feels like there's something missing. Oh yes: we've got to make sure that people know who the best worshipers are!!
II. You shall not make for yourself an idol, whether in the form of anything that is in heaven above, or that is on the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth. You shall not bow down to them or worship them; for I the Lord your God am a jealous God, punishing children for the iniquity of parents, to the third and the fourth generation of those who reject me, but showing steadfast love to the thousandth generation of those who love me and keep my commandments.
Well... isn't there just one exception that we all know about? Yeah, this needs editing.
III. You shall not make wrongful use of the name of the Lord your God, for the Lord will not acquit anyone who misuses his name.
Good commandment, but it needs some clarification.
IV. Remember the Sabbath day and keep it holy. For six days you shall labour and do all your work. But the seventh day is a Sabbath to the Lord your God; you shall not do any work—you, your son or your daughter, your male or female slave, your livestock, or the alien resident in your towns. For in six days the Lord made heaven and earth, the sea, and all that is in them, but rested the seventh day; therefore the Lord blessed the Sabbath day and consecrated it.
Ouch. Isn't that going to cut into the profit margin? Perhaps this one can use some tweaking, too.
V. Honor your father and your mother, so that your days may be long in the land that the Lord your God is giving you.
Well, that all depends on how you define "honor," doesn't it?
VI. You shall not murder.
Now hold on a minute. Some folks just need killing.
VII. You shall not commit adultery.
Yeah, take that, Bill Clinton! What about Republican politicians? Um....
VIII. You shall not steal.
That all depends on your definition of stealing.
IX. You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor.
No exceptions? We're going to have to take care of that one.
X. You shall not covet your neighbor’s house; you shall not covet your neighbor’s wife, or male or female slave, or ox, or donkey, or anything that belongs to your neighbor.
Now this is just flat out liberal. Everyone knows that you don't have any kind of drive in life unless you want something you don't have!
So now you've seen the objections, and it's time to unveil... the new... the improved...
Conservative Ten Commandments!!
I am the Lord your God, who kicked Pharaoh's ass, because he was a state sponsor of terrorism.
I. Do not have any other gods before me, and have no worshipers before My Chosen, the conservatives, who will explain to you exactly Who I Am.
II. You shall not make for yourself an idol, unless that idol is in the shape of Ronald Reagan. You may worship His image, for Reagan was one of My aspects. You shall not vote Democratic; for I the Lord your Reagan am a jealous God, punishing children for the iniquity of parents, to the third and the fourth generation of those who reject the GOP, but showing steadfast love to the thousandth generation of those who love me and listen to Glenn Beck.
III. You shall not make wrongful use of the name of the Lord your God, for the Lord will not acquit anyone who misuses his name. Using My Name to sell stuff is not wrongful use, for making money is holy.
IV. Remember the Sabbath day and keep it holy. For six days you shall have the little people labor and do all your work. But the seventh day is a Sabbath to the Lord your God; you shall not do any work—you, your son or your daughter. For in six days the Lord made heaven and earth, the sea, and all that is in them, but rested the seventh day; therefore the Lord blessed the Sabbath day and consecrated it. But you may make your male or female wage slaves, your livestock, or especially the alien residents in your towns work, because they don't really count.
V. Honor your father and your mother, so that your days may be long in the land that the Lord your God is giving you. And believe Me, your mother and father would consider it dishonorable and insulting to provide them a social safety net.
VI. You shall not murder, unless it's for oil or profit.
VII. You shall not commit adultery. But if you are Republican, you may abase yourself and be forgiven repeatedly and considered one of Mine.
VIII. You shall not steal, unless you can find a way to deregulate the market. Then it's not really stealing.
IX. You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor, unless you are making the case for war or your political position.
X. You shall covet your neighbor’s house; you shall covet your neighbor’s wife, or male or female slave, or ox, or donkey, or anything that belongs to your neighbor, if it's nicer than yours. For coveting is the basis for all hard work and making lots of money, which honors Me.
I'll bet that Charlton Heston, were he still alive, would give his left one to star in that movie.
I. Do not have any other gods before me, and have no worshipers before My Chosen, the conservatives, who will explain to you exactly Who I Am.
II. You shall not make for yourself an idol, unless that idol is in the shape of Ronald Reagan. You may worship His image, for Reagan was one of My aspects. You shall not vote Democratic; for I the Lord your Reagan am a jealous God, punishing children for the iniquity of parents, to the third and the fourth generation of those who reject the GOP, but showing steadfast love to the thousandth generation of those who love me and listen to Glenn Beck.
III. You shall not make wrongful use of the name of the Lord your God, for the Lord will not acquit anyone who misuses his name. Using My Name to sell stuff is not wrongful use, for making money is holy.
IV. Remember the Sabbath day and keep it holy. For six days you shall have the little people labor and do all your work. But the seventh day is a Sabbath to the Lord your God; you shall not do any work—you, your son or your daughter. For in six days the Lord made heaven and earth, the sea, and all that is in them, but rested the seventh day; therefore the Lord blessed the Sabbath day and consecrated it. But you may make your male or female wage slaves, your livestock, or especially the alien residents in your towns work, because they don't really count.
V. Honor your father and your mother, so that your days may be long in the land that the Lord your God is giving you. And believe Me, your mother and father would consider it dishonorable and insulting to provide them a social safety net.
VI. You shall not murder, unless it's for oil or profit.
VII. You shall not commit adultery. But if you are Republican, you may abase yourself and be forgiven repeatedly and considered one of Mine.
VIII. You shall not steal, unless you can find a way to deregulate the market. Then it's not really stealing.
IX. You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor, unless you are making the case for war or your political position.
X. You shall covet your neighbor’s house; you shall covet your neighbor’s wife, or male or female slave, or ox, or donkey, or anything that belongs to your neighbor, if it's nicer than yours. For coveting is the basis for all hard work and making lots of money, which honors Me.
I'll bet that Charlton Heston, were he still alive, would give his left one to star in that movie.
Thursday, October 1, 2009
Roman Polanski
So let me see if I've got this right. A 44-year-old man plies a 13-year-old girl with alcohol and a Quaalude, rapes and sodomizes her repeatedly over her objections, and he's got defenders?!? That is unbelievable. Here's the thing: talent and/or fame should not excuse someone from being punished for criminal activity. It shouldn't have excused OJ Simpson, it shouldn't have excused Michael Jackson, and it shouldn't excuse Roman Polanski. I don't care that it happened a long time ago. I don't care that the victim has "forgiven" him. A 44-year-old man raped and sodomized a 13-year-old girl. He's been avoiding jail since 1977 for that. He should have been in jail since 1977 for that.
Whoopi Goldberg said that she "wouldn't necessarily" want her 13-year-old "having sex." This wasn't "having sex." This was rape. And I can guarantee that if a 44-year-old man raped her granddaughter, Whoopi would cut the relevant parts off with a bolt cutter herself. She's wrong. Woody Allen has started some kind of petition. Of course he would. He was the one having sex with Mia Farrow's adopted daughter while she was a minor and living with him.
A lot of Polanski's defenders are liberals. Well, you know what? To hell with them. Liberals don't march in lockstep, and as far as I'm concerned, every single one of Polanski's defenders is just as bad as any conservative out there who has defended other crimes like torture. There are definite sides drawn up in this country - but this liberal refuses to defend any of "our side" when they do the wrong thing, or defend reprehensible people. Yes, Polanski is very talented. You know what that makes him? A very talented child rapist.
Put another way: would any of Polanski's defenders stick up for Rush Limbaugh or Glenn Beck under similar circumstances? Of course not, and I will say the same thing for Polanski as I would for Limbaugh or Beck if they committed Polanski's crime: put that perverted bastard under the jail.
Whoopi Goldberg said that she "wouldn't necessarily" want her 13-year-old "having sex." This wasn't "having sex." This was rape. And I can guarantee that if a 44-year-old man raped her granddaughter, Whoopi would cut the relevant parts off with a bolt cutter herself. She's wrong. Woody Allen has started some kind of petition. Of course he would. He was the one having sex with Mia Farrow's adopted daughter while she was a minor and living with him.
A lot of Polanski's defenders are liberals. Well, you know what? To hell with them. Liberals don't march in lockstep, and as far as I'm concerned, every single one of Polanski's defenders is just as bad as any conservative out there who has defended other crimes like torture. There are definite sides drawn up in this country - but this liberal refuses to defend any of "our side" when they do the wrong thing, or defend reprehensible people. Yes, Polanski is very talented. You know what that makes him? A very talented child rapist.
Put another way: would any of Polanski's defenders stick up for Rush Limbaugh or Glenn Beck under similar circumstances? Of course not, and I will say the same thing for Polanski as I would for Limbaugh or Beck if they committed Polanski's crime: put that perverted bastard under the jail.
A Democrat with a spine?!?
Most of what we've heard the past year has been all about compromising with Republicans, getting everyone on board, being bipartisan, etc., etc., etc. I'd just about like to throw up every time I hear that. Republicans were a massive failure during the years they were in power. You know what you get when you compromise with failure? Failure. I've been waiting - while acknowledging that the waiting was pretty much in vain - for a Democrat with a spine to show up. And shockingly... one did!!!
Representative Alan Grayson from Florida finally stood up and said things that needed to be said. He said that the Republican heath care plan is: Don't get sick. And if you do get sick, die quickly. Here's the video:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-usmvYOPfco
I'll expand on that. The first part: don't get sick. That's exactly what Republicans and their insurance masters want you to do. Keep paying premiums month after month, year after year, and don't ask your insurance company to pay for anything. Don't cut into their profits! But let's say you do get sick, you awful person, and ask the insurance company to actually do what they're supposed to do: pay for it. Here comes the second part. The longer you're sick, the worse the cost is for the insurance companies. So please, have the courtesy to die quickly. Also - if you do die quickly, the insurance company can quickly move to deny payment for all kinds of things in the hopes that a grief-stricken family will miss a lot of their shenanigans and pony up the dough. So there it is: Don't get sick. If you do, die quickly. The implication, of course, is that the Republicans don't care. You might say they lack empathy.
So the Republicans lost their minds over this. How long has it been since the Sotomayor hearings where the Republicans condemned empathy? Can't have empathy in a Supreme Court justice! Empathy is bad! Now when they're accused - rightfully - of lacking it for the American people, they are going crazy, calling it the worst-ever insult ever propagated on the House floor, etc., etc. Ever notice how Republican politicians throw out wild allegations and insults - things like how President Obama wants to kill your grandmother with death panels - but when someone pounds a little sand in their face, they are absolutely aghast at how low the dialogue in Washington has sunk? Well, I have two words for them: screw and you.
Rep. Grayson did even better: when Republicans demanded an apology, he got on the House floor and essentially gave them those two words and more:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dn9361OuMQA
And then Rep. Grayson absolutely made my day with this one. He got onto CNN's Situation Room and didn't back down one inch. He absolutely owned the CNN panel:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DTrDF0Gszck
You know what was going on: CNN's talking heads (after Wulf Blitzer's EPIC FAIL on Jeopardy, I refuse to ever call him a journalist because journalists actually know things) were siding with the Republicans. Glorida Allred indignantly asked how this raises the dialogue. What I'd like to know is where the hell Allred has been the past, oh, 30 years? This serves as an excellent highlight for the double standard in politics: Republican politicians can say completely crazy stuff and be partisan radicals, because, well, that's just what Republicans do. Democrats are expected to raise the dialogue, etc., etc. When they call out Republicans, the media is all aghast and demands higher standards.
Anyhow, Rep. Grayson administered a beautiful beatdown to the lot of them. I loved it, and this guy is my new political hero. He's a newly elected congressman and he's apparently decided he's had enough of the crap that's going on in D.C. and he's going to call things like they are. A side note that will come back to the main point: an old childhood friend ran for office this past year and the people in his district were too stupid to elect him. If they had, they would have gotten representation just like this. Rep. Grayson is being the kind of representative - not politician, representative - that I think my friend would have been. A straight shooter who knows the truth, isn't afraid to speak it, can defend himself very ably, and kick some Republican ass when he needs to. I don't know if Rep. Grayson will be this way long term. I know my friend would have been. Thank goodness there was a district intelligent enough to send a representative like this to Congress. A Democrat with a spine.
Representative Alan Grayson from Florida finally stood up and said things that needed to be said. He said that the Republican heath care plan is: Don't get sick. And if you do get sick, die quickly. Here's the video:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-usmvYOPfco
I'll expand on that. The first part: don't get sick. That's exactly what Republicans and their insurance masters want you to do. Keep paying premiums month after month, year after year, and don't ask your insurance company to pay for anything. Don't cut into their profits! But let's say you do get sick, you awful person, and ask the insurance company to actually do what they're supposed to do: pay for it. Here comes the second part. The longer you're sick, the worse the cost is for the insurance companies. So please, have the courtesy to die quickly. Also - if you do die quickly, the insurance company can quickly move to deny payment for all kinds of things in the hopes that a grief-stricken family will miss a lot of their shenanigans and pony up the dough. So there it is: Don't get sick. If you do, die quickly. The implication, of course, is that the Republicans don't care. You might say they lack empathy.
So the Republicans lost their minds over this. How long has it been since the Sotomayor hearings where the Republicans condemned empathy? Can't have empathy in a Supreme Court justice! Empathy is bad! Now when they're accused - rightfully - of lacking it for the American people, they are going crazy, calling it the worst-ever insult ever propagated on the House floor, etc., etc. Ever notice how Republican politicians throw out wild allegations and insults - things like how President Obama wants to kill your grandmother with death panels - but when someone pounds a little sand in their face, they are absolutely aghast at how low the dialogue in Washington has sunk? Well, I have two words for them: screw and you.
Rep. Grayson did even better: when Republicans demanded an apology, he got on the House floor and essentially gave them those two words and more:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dn9361OuMQA
And then Rep. Grayson absolutely made my day with this one. He got onto CNN's Situation Room and didn't back down one inch. He absolutely owned the CNN panel:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DTrDF0Gszck
You know what was going on: CNN's talking heads (after Wulf Blitzer's EPIC FAIL on Jeopardy, I refuse to ever call him a journalist because journalists actually know things) were siding with the Republicans. Glorida Allred indignantly asked how this raises the dialogue. What I'd like to know is where the hell Allred has been the past, oh, 30 years? This serves as an excellent highlight for the double standard in politics: Republican politicians can say completely crazy stuff and be partisan radicals, because, well, that's just what Republicans do. Democrats are expected to raise the dialogue, etc., etc. When they call out Republicans, the media is all aghast and demands higher standards.
Anyhow, Rep. Grayson administered a beautiful beatdown to the lot of them. I loved it, and this guy is my new political hero. He's a newly elected congressman and he's apparently decided he's had enough of the crap that's going on in D.C. and he's going to call things like they are. A side note that will come back to the main point: an old childhood friend ran for office this past year and the people in his district were too stupid to elect him. If they had, they would have gotten representation just like this. Rep. Grayson is being the kind of representative - not politician, representative - that I think my friend would have been. A straight shooter who knows the truth, isn't afraid to speak it, can defend himself very ably, and kick some Republican ass when he needs to. I don't know if Rep. Grayson will be this way long term. I know my friend would have been. Thank goodness there was a district intelligent enough to send a representative like this to Congress. A Democrat with a spine.
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